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Talk:The Home Run Killer/@comment-7234175-20141215002124
I found pleanty of grammer and spelling errors, but they only inturupted the flow once or twice. Nothing to glareing except when early on you kept repeating the word "video". I didn't count how many times you put the word, but it was deffinetly to many. "Veriety is the spice of life." Instead of "video" everytime try and replace soem of them with similar words such as "Tape" "Recording" or "Footage". I know it's digital, but still the over all concept of what your speaking of will be understood and will not be tiering on the eyes and mind of the reader and won't flatline the flow or intrest for the reader. However, I do give you a props for not going into an insane amount of detail about his murders or go overly gory like others try to do. You did it in a way that actually keeps it vivid enough to see, but also not overly dramaticized like some crappy pastas have done in the past. Overall I find the killer to be an interesting concept. A monster that has a human past and features and has become the literal sence of Incarnation of Evil and immune to bodily harm, or as to what the story tells. The concept is amazing, better than Jeff like some have said, but most of your problems lay within the protaginist. First of all, your protaginist is a detective that works in a police station. After the first video the case would not fall on the shoulders of just one man, especialy with the exstent of brutality the antaginist strives for. It would be noticed that people there would be a spike in missing people with in the area, even if it was an urban location. After seeing such footage, the Boss of the Anthony would have made this high priority. Wheather or not he would go public with it would have been up to that individual, but by the monoluge Tulo gives, it sounds like he wants people to know he is out there watching and hunting. The simplie reality fact's kind of kill the story, but if writen where Anthony was a notable Privite Detective with in the area working for an employeer looking for one of Tulo's earlier victims this could possibly work if you sprinked in a bit of "in the back ground" information that could hint at something bigger to build suspence. Rather starting with your protaginist talking about an unkillable monster in the beging and referancing his downfall tends to spoil it twoards the end leaving little doubt or hope for a more positive outcome and shoots the ending in the foot. So to speak at least. Rating: 6/10 I like the concept of the villian and the possablitys of how it could have been, but the realism of the protaginist just kind of ruins the tale a bit. For me pasta's have to blend realizm and strange just right or it tends to fall apart. Home Run Killer isn't a shambled mess, but could use a little bit more tweeking. I sencierly hope I didn't come off sounding like an complete ass in my review, but I didn't want it to be all about what I liked and not really point in the right direction. For a story like this I sujest taking the aspects of reality into account when writing or re writing. I'm not saying re-write the whole thing to be about a private detective, but more or less stateing the kind of vibe I was given from Anthony.